The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
