he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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