We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
