I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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