My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
