he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
