I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Who did Billy Mays play for?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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