I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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