I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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