if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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