I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
