Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
