Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
