Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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