He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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