So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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