p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
