And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
