If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
