Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
