I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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