I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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