so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i believe in u and ur pee
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
