I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
