Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
