I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
