He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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