How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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