Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
