Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
