I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
