You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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