This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I want her autograph on my taint
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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