It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
