The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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