Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
