My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
