Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
