Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
