remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
