Someone shit on the floor
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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