did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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