I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i dont even know how to be here
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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