I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
