Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
