i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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