between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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