Cold hands, warm shart.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
