Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
