she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
