So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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