come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
