i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
