Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Boobs speak an international language.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
