there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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